Sigh... anyone knows what it feels like to just stop and settle? And the feeling of not wanting to fight anymore? Well... just found out i have to move again... Si and Kaye's decided to move back to New Zealand for good... in 7 wks... So... i've got till then to look for a new place... once again i'm tempted to find a place just for myself... so i won't have too many problems... BUT THEN THAT INVOLVES ALOT MORE MONEY... Thought i've finally found a good place where i can settle down for at least this yr till i know what's happening next year...
Oh well... what do you do... funny thing about life... everytime u think u're finally settling into something, something comes along and shakes it all up... If only i had the money to just buy my own apartment... if only i could work... and scrimp and save enough for a place... tempted to throw in the white towel and go back to Singapore where i know that there's a place where i can live in and a proper roof over my head... BUT WHAT AM I TO DO BACK THERE? i'll just be killing myself (my dreams i mean).
In a sense i'm know i'll try and fight and survive through this season... just because i think my dream's too big to be wasted on a small problem like that... life in the future will probably bring more disappointments and pain... But at the same time... i'm tired... tired of fighting... tired having people not appreciating... tired of how sometimes u wanna say what u feel and really think but not being able to do so... tired of being away from family and security... tired of always smiling and saying everything's alright... when sometimes... it's really not... tired of when u finally say how u really feel and people think it's just silly and pushing u off, as if it's nothing too serious...
Oh crap... this entry's sounding abit too serious... and my eyes are starting to sting... and i think i'm really feeling homesick now... Shit... it's like close to the end of the 4th yr of me being away... but it's only started to just kick in and hit me in the face... I HATE THIS...
I miss the times i could just call people and talk if there are any problems...
and this bloody weather's not helping... the cold... and dark skies... JUST RAIN will u...
Kaye just knocked on the door... n saw my eyes... How embarrassing...
anyway i think i shall stop here before i really get too depressed that i can't dig myself out of the hole...
